The art of dating someone who is not dating you

relationship problems

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I am the quiet type, the introvert who wants to disappear immediately the world gets noisy. I’ve had the time to assess my life and said to myself, “Maybe, I should get a little bit louder so others would notice me.” I’ve tried but it didn’t work. It looked forced and unnatural so I decided to remain the introvert I’d always been but then I made a decision; that the woman I would date can’t be an introvert too. Another of my kind in the same room would spell doom for our existence. I wanted a loud woman. Someone who could complement me; where I’m cold she would be warm and where I’m quiet, she would be the voice for us.

The woman who fit that description was Eyram. She entered my life with a bang and never looked back. Come to think of it, she’s the prettiest person I’d ever come close to. She looked at me and accepted me for who I am. Other people didn’t see me though they were looking at me. To them, I was too quiet and boring so even when their eyes could see me, their mind didn’t follow suit. Eyram saw me, gave me a chance in her circle, and even found me interesting.

She said, “You this guy, you don’t talk but the things that can come from that your quiet mouth can cause world war three.” I got attached to her immediately and we moved from being strangers to friends and then one day she asked me, “You like me and can’t say it or you just want to stick around until someone comes and take me away?” I liked her but lacked the courage to say it so when she threw me that question I hang on to it and say everything in my heart to her.

She smiled and said, “You’re a quiet guy but are you this coward too?”

That began our relationship. She became my world and became the center around which everything that I am revolved. She had busy work but that never became her excuse. No matter the time she’ll close from work, she’ll come around to see me before going home. I called her in the morning, she’ll call in the afternoon, then I’ll call in the evening and she’ll call in the night. I called it love but there was something I was missing. I loved her so much I missed the subtle possessiveness, control, and jealousy in her attitude.

If my calls didn’t go the time she expected it, she’ll call me and rant for several minutes. Nothing I say would make sense to her. She’ll then tell me, “If you don’t call me and someone starts calling me every time, I’ll give him attention and by the time you realize, I’m gone with him.” As I said, I felt it was her way of expressing love but things got worse. This girl could call me at dawn and ask, “Who is that girl you’re sleeping with?” I would say, “I’m sleeping alone.” She’ll then say, “Turn on the light, I’m calling you on video.” I’ll turn on the light in my room and truly this girl will call me on video and ask me to scan the whole room with my camera. She’ll say, “Go under the bed, maybe she’s hiding there.”

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It was so random and so stupid I didn’t know how to deal with that but then I said to myself, “That’s her ways of expressing love. She’s protecting her territory.” One night she called me on a video and I miss the call. The next morning when I called she didn’t pick. All day I called her but she didn’t pick. In the evening when I called, she sent me a text, “It’s over between us. Whoever you slept with last night that you didn’t pick my video, spend the rest of your life with her.”

I had to go to her house that night and speak to her. She kept saying it was over and I kept begging her not to leave me. “I was alone. I slept alone. It’s unfortunate I missed your call.” The problem with her is that she thinks she knows all the ways of men so whatever she thinks or says it’s true. That night I begged her and made a lot of silly promises before she said, “This should be your last warning. When it happens again, I’m off. I won’t even give you this opportunity to be begging me.”

I said thank you and she smiled. Immediately, she was all over me kissing me and asking me not to treat her that way again. Sweetheart, it’s just a call I didn’t pick. Why are you making a storm in a teacup?” I loved her. I didn’t want to lose her so I had to put pride aside and beg her.

Not too long afterward, she left me again. I told her I would see her after work and I couldn’t. I sent her a text explaining why I couldn’t come. She never responded to the text, that was when I sensed something was wrong. When I saw her the next day she said, “I wish you all the best in your next relationship. It’s obvious that you don’t care about my feelings. This relationship is over.” Again I begged her. I even knelt before her and asked her not to leave me because she was my world. That day she walked over me. It took me one week to be able to get her to be fine with me.

She visited me one night and my phone rang. It was an unknown contact. I looked at the number blinking on my phone and asked, “Who is it that would be calling me at this late hour?” I didn’t pick the call. I went to the bath and by the time I came, she wasn’t there. It was almost 12am. Where could this girl be? I called her line it was off. Minutes later, I stepped out and walked to her house. She was inside her room crying. “Eyram, what’s wrong with you?” She screamed, “What are you doing here? Leave my room, go away. Go and continue your life with that girl who called that you didn’t pick.”

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I swore I didn’t know the number. I said everything but this girl said no. I told her, “See, the number is still right here on my phone. We can call so you see who was calling.” She screamed, “Yes call the number. I challenge you to call back the number and put on a loudspeaker.” I called the line three times and the person didn’t pick.” She said, “You think I’m a small girl. You’ve already arranged with her not to pick. What do you take me for?” It took us two weeks to settle this issue.

I traveled to visit my parents one time. It was supposed to be a three-day visit but something happened that made me decide to stay longer than I intended. On Wednesday she called to tell me she had been admitted to the hospital. That day I called her every three hours to check on her. Friday she was discharged from the hospital. I spoke to her in the morning and couldn’t call again till evening when she called. I couldn’t pick her call because I was in a middle conversation with my dad. We talked for so long it was late so I slept.

I woke up the next morning to see this message; “You tell me that you love me but you have no single care for me. How could you ignore your sick girlfriend when you don’t know what she’s going through? Is that how you’re going to treat me when you marry me? It’s better we end it here and this time around, I’m very serious. Don’t come and beg me because I’m sick and tired of your fake attitude.”

I responded;

“I’m equally sick and tired of your possessiveness. Why do you seek to control my life, are you the one who created me? You’re tired of me, I know so this time, I’ll give you rest. I won’t beg you again and I don’t want you back. I’m tired too. Good luck.”

She responded, “Smh”

I went on with my life as if nothing has happened. In the afternoon, I saw her calling me, I didn’t pick her call. She called in the evening too and I didn’t pick. On Monday, I was back in town. I was at work when she called again telling me to bring everything of hers that she left in my room. I said, “Ok, I’ll send them to you tomorrow.” Monday night, I was in bed when I heard my doorknob turning. I had locked my door. The knob turned again and again. I asked, “Who is it?” That was when I heard her voice. I opened the door and the first thing she said was, “I told you it’s over and you readily accepted. That means you had already planned to leave me, right?” I didn’t answer. She kept ranting and ranting, I didn’t say a word. After her ranting, I asked what brought her to my place and she said, “I’m coming for things so that your stupid next girlfriend doesn’t use them.”

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I watched her as she packs all her things into a polythene bag and all the while ranting. She angrily opened the door and stormed out. Seconds later, her head popped out of the door and asked, “So you saw me storming out and you didn’t even bother to stop me? What has come over you? Oh, so you think you can get rid of me as easily as that? You lie bad. In fact, I’m going to sleep here tonight. Tell whoever is coming that I’m here.”

The whole thing looked like a comedy written by an amateur. “Eyram, it’s you who told me it’s over not me, and to be honest with you, I don’t have any intention of dating you again. I’m tired and I want my peace so leave me alone. I can’t spend the rest of my life begging you to stay. Please leave my room.” It turned into a huge tussle. I didn’t want to continue to disturb my neighbors so I allowed her to stay. She said, “It was me who said it’s over. It’s no more over. I’m back to stay.”

In my mind, it was over and nothing could make me change my mind. But this girl can come to my house on Saturday, wash her own clothes, cook, clean the house and later leave without saying a word to me. For close to one month she continued doing that. We became roommates who were not on good terms with one another. She would send me a good morning message, in the afternoon, I’ll receive a good afternoon. In the evening she would say, “Good evening. See you soon.” I didn’t respond to any of these messages but she kept sending them every day.

One day, the morning message did not come. The afternoon one too didn’t come. In the evening, she came around, pack her things, and walked out. Not a single word was said. I started feeling uneasy when I wasn’t hearing from her. I sent her a message on Whatsapp; “Hey, I hope you’re good?” To date, that message only has one tick. That was when I realized she has blocked me on WhatsApp. I called her two numbers and it never went through. Blocked. I checked on Social media and I was blocked there too.

“Maybe that’s her way of moving on,” I said to myself.

To date, I don’t know what was wrong with Eyram. How could a woman so sweet be that emotionally unbalanced? I keep wondering about her every now and then. Sometimes I miss her but missing her isn’t enough reason to welcome her back into my life. I wish her well, that’s all I could offer her and her memories.

—Larbi, Ghana